“Sure!” I grinned, elbows deep in my own clean-up operation. If it was anything like last time I had to clean my own post-wedding bar, it’d be a fair piece of cake and done in thirty minutes.
As Justin left for his after party and most of the guests stumbled out in high spirits, I walked confidently to his bar in the back where the night’s DJ was breaking down equipment.
Stop. Short.
Justin’s bar looked nothing like mine had after the wedding I worked. It was TRASHED. Melted ice buckets, empty of their soggy beer bottles, and caps littered the table and floor. The empty keg was leaking water and ice. A broken bottle of Stoley’s Russian vodka was everywhere, and I couldn’t imagine why fruit flies weren’t already swarming the blender, half-filled with banana split daquieri and heavily scenting the air with overripe fruit and sticky ice cream. Cocktail straws and umbrellas littered the floor, and real sand littered the bartop.
This was definitely going to more than a thirty-minute project, and it certainly was. But oh, what a fantastic wedding party! They had dancing (with a crowd-pleasing DJ), lots of drinks, lots of food and snacks, and ...NO wait time between wedding and reception because they didn't happen the same day!
As a bartender, server, or caterer I have worked at a lot of diverse wedding receptions, and combined with the few I’ve attended as a guest, and my consistent perusal of photography guru Hannah Persson’s excellent wedding work, I’ve formed a pretty good idea of what works and what doesn’t for weddings. In fact, my mom and I spent a quality forty minutes planning an ambiguous one last week, until my mom asked me worriedly, “We don’t NEED to plan one now, right?” I think it’d be super fun to have a wedding party, but just not get married! Yet.
The traditional underlying philosophy of [American] weddings is that it’s THE BRIDE’S DAY, and that everyone should bust his or her back, spend tons of money, and bow to every whim of the bride’s gracious, intelligent, and ingeniously creative directives. However, there are a few small snags in this well-meaning philosophy (one might term them, gaps in logic?!)
The first problem with this philosophy is that although the bride is indeed an important person to be honored, if you’re only trying to appease the bride in this scenario, why bother inviting 150+ other people? Just go to a justice of the peace (or Vegas, baby!) and then a nice dinner afterward. A good wedding will take the bride (AND groom’s!) personalities and combine them in a tasteful event that caters to the guests and showcases the happy couple at their best. Aesop’s fable about the unfortunate man trying to please everyone still rings true, but guests’ (and wedding party members’) convenience and enjoyment MUST be considered when planning. Example: don’t have hours between ceremony and reception. If you must, provide refreshment and entertainment. If the bride and groom aren’t drinkers, they don’t have to spend the $ to provide alcohol to guests. An alternative might be to at least provide a cash bar venue, or just a really really magnificent virgin punch. Bored people too easily become mischievous. And this could be disastrous to your wedding party and memories.
Bowling at a wedding, how cool is that? Photo by Hannah Persson www.hannahperssonphoto.com
Or, what if the bride has poor taste in, well, EVERYTHING? Friends and mothers, please step up to gently and tactfully remind the bride that magenta and lavender may not be the best wedding colors, or that lopsided tropical cakes look more appropriate for fifteen-year-old birthday parties.
Another problem pre-married couples face is budget. And why spend fifty million dollars on a wedding so you can live poor dissatisfied lives until you divorce fifteen years down the line? But then again, budget weddings don’t have to be crappy or unsatisfactory. And lavish weddings don’t necessarily lead to poverty or, for that matter, divorce.
Chic and classy budget weddings are certainly doable. Just ask the entrepreneurial folks at McDonalds. Even vegetarian eaters have options there these days, what with the McCafes and all. These weddings will provide a lot of room, little hype, and plenty of fun for the whole family. But seriously when it comes to budget weddings, why do you think niche magazines exist? Even if you don’t want to buy one, a few hours in a Barnes & Noble perusing ideas won’t hurt. Save $ by skipping “save the dates,” and use the $ on more champagne instead. And don't "save money" on photography; hire a good photographer. There's nothing worse than having crappy disposable Kodak shots of that $10,000 day.
If you can't afford to invite everyone, just make a grand appearance and advertise it to the media. That way, everyone can feel "invited" to the wedding, and can use their own funds to celebrate it.
Choose your wedding party aesthetically. Guests don’t want to look at ugly people: they have mirrors for that. If you must have VIP ugly people in your wedding party, please at least dress them sensibly. Pale-skinned girls shouldn’t wear hott pink, so if your heart is set on hott pink bridesmaid dresses, kick the pale-haired girl out or dye her hair.
And speaking of bridesmaid dresses, it’s SOOO NOT twenty-first century to match anymore. What is this, a twin toddler portrait session? Pick a color scheme and let the individual styles shine through while still complementing order and beauty. Or just skip the wedding party entirely, as the Koreans do.
Couples, make an effort to make the rounds and see the guests. And don’t do away with a receiving line thinking you’ll do this. Deciding to replace receiving lines in favor of “mingling” merely shortens time to the honeymoon. Receiving line first, THEN mingling (preferably while dancing). I’ve never seen a successful receiving line-less wedding.
Also, wedding registries may be useful, but tacky. Almost as tacky as Korean-style recording HOW MUCH MONEY each guest gives as they enter the wedding hall. Let's not beat around the bush: the only thing anyone wants is money. Then they can get whatever they want, wherever they want...or take irresponsible trips to Timbuktu.
TIP YOUR BARTENDERS! Don't be a grouch at weddings. Even if EVERYTHING went wrong beforehand, this IS the time to celebrate the bride and groom and give them a wonderful send-off.
Everyone will remember it because it was so awful. I’m pretty sure that is the worst thing that could ever happen. But don't fear it. Use your common sense, this blog, and those free-perusal magazines at B&N to plan and host the most-gossiped SUCCESS ever.
And, Jack Sparrow may just be a pirate, but his words carry merit that should replace our former ridiculous philosophies on weddings with this happy mantra: “Weddings? I love weddings! Drinks all around!”
[Ed.: You do know, however, "execute" has multiple definitions (see title). ]
Posts
0 comments:
Post a Comment